10 Myths That Maintain Unhealthy / Toxic Relationships

There are a few things women believe about love that are not only inaccurate but can also lead to us into attracting and maintaining toxic/ abusive relationships, so I’m going to go ahead and discuss 10 of them right here because a lot of the time it’s not just about what we believe about ourselves that keep us stuck but also what we believe about love and relationships, so let’s get into it.

Myth Number 1: He should complete me.

 No- one has the power to complete you as a person or even make you happy, you should already be complete and know how to make yourself happy. Your partner should only add to what is already there, the icing on an already baked cake.

 Buying into this myth makes it impossible for you to be objective about whether what he brings to the relationship is healthy or not? And how can you even consider leaving something whilst believing, that very something is a part or a missing piece of you? You can’t. NOT HEALTHY.

 Myth Number 2: Jealousy means you or your partner are in love.

 A person being jealous of others in your life isn’t a sign of love, it’s a sign of control, insecurity and mistrust. A lot of the time in toxic relationships, this feeling of jealousy is cultivated using triangulation and other manipulative techniques, yet still, it is often misunderstood as proof of love and passion when really chronic jealousy in a relationship is a major red flag.

 Myth Number 3: Love is pain and sacrifice.

 Love isn’t pain, yes sometimes a loved one will hurt your feelings but this isn’t and should never be so constant that it defines love. I read a quote a somewhere that I absolutely love it said

 ‘If you are in a relationship and all you do is cry, you need to stop and ask yourself, are you dating a human or onion’.

 I love this because whilst this quote is humorous it also cuts to the truth about romantic love.

 Love between two grown adults isn’t all about sacrifice either, it’s about compromise and compromise between two people who truly love each other is all about negotiating a state of win /win not a constant state of win/ lose.

 Believing that love is about sacrifice and pain only serves keeps you in conditions where sacrifice and pain are ever present.

 Myth Number 4: Real love, loves past a person’s faults

 Whilst there is some truth to this one, there is a fine line and I think it’s really important that we acknowledge that fine line and keep it in perspective. When talking about faults where this is concerned, we are referring to character traits such as being untidy / super tidy, unorganized or a poor timekeeper, etc it is not referring to the way a person mistreats or neglects you, that is toxic and when you buy into this myth you also buy into the notion that love means staying no matter what.

 Myth Number 5: Love is all you need.

 Nope, it’s not.

That feeling of love is a physical biochemical thing that can be present whether your situation is good or bad. In order to have a healthy dynamic in your relationship, you also need mutual commitment, honesty, respect and a similar vision for the future and that just for starters.

 A relationship without these additional elements does not make for healthy and again buys into the myth that love means staying now matter what.

 Myth Number 6: My love can change or save him

 Firstly, if your happiness depends on someone else changing in a major way, you are not actually in love with them, you are actually in love with the idea of who that person could be. This is not love, this is a project, a form of control, even if the change would be their best interests and a trap that co-dependent women fall into a lot of the time.

Myth Number 7: Love is when two become one

 When we think of being one in this type of scenario, we commonly think of having the same mind, same interests, doing all things together and basically being joined at the hip. This again is a co-dependent way of thinking that cultivates a dynamic where you can be easily isolated, conditioned and controlled.

 If you’re spending all your physical and mentally time joined to another person, this doesn’t leave room for personal growth, other relationships and influences. That in its self is toxic regardless of any mistreatment that may or may not come with it.

 In a healthy relationship, two becoming one, equals, two separate identities, moving in the same direction whilst sharing the same future vision and intent.

 Myth Number 8: Love is sparks and butterflies

 Nope, that is actually anxiety!!

 Yes, initially meeting and getting to know someone new can make you feel nervous at first but if this is a prolonged state of being, it is a major red flag that indicates a lack of commitment, inconsistency and instability. Not love.

 Myth Number 9: If you love me you should automatically know what I want

 Everyone has a personal love language and it’s up to you and your partner to communicate that love language with each other. Being in love does not make a person a mind reader nor should you be expected to be one as a demonstration of love.

 Healthy relationships require communication and if there is no clear communication between you about the wants or needs of the other. The relationship is not healthy. Also, a lot of the time in a toxic relationship, this “you should just know’ myth is used to punish, control and keep a partner off guard, feeling like they are loving all wrong or simply aren’t enough.

 Don’t fall prey to this, it’s not your responsibility to automatically know what someone else needs, it’s their responsibility to communicate that to you.

 Myth Number 10: When someone loves you they persevere and breakdown your walls.

 Consistently not taking no for an answer isn’t romantic but in fact a form of control and a complete disregard for your feelings and what you want, also someone attempting to breakdown your walls as romantic as it sounds, is actually someone just overstepping your boundaries, it is up to you (no one else) after careful consideration to decide when or if you want to bring down your own walls. Both of these things are major red flags dressed up as romance.

If you’ve ever been in a toxic or abusive relationship or grown up in this type environment you’re guaranteed to have fallen for at least one of these myths at some point or other and without a clear experience of healthy or a healthy role model it can be hard to know what a healthy relationship should look like and heal from past wounds and as a result you probably find yourself going for different versions of the same unhealthy dynamics.

 If this sound like you, I want to invite you to apply for my free online group THE LIVIN WARRIOR’S HAVEN, this is a group for women who have survived a toxic/abusive relationship situation and want to rebuild in self-love, confidence and personal power.

 Until the next time: live boldly, live empowered, live from the inside, out.